The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced a new standard for medical testing.

Testing on rats will be terminated, and in the future live animal testing will be performed using lawyers. The NIH presented the following explanation for its decision:

Some lab assistants were becoming quite attached to their rats, and it was important to find an alternative which would not inspire emotional involvment.

The population of attorneys grows at a faster rate than the population of rats.

Lawyers contribute less to society, and thus are more expendable than rats.

Animal rights societies do not oppose experimentation on lawyers.

There are some things even a rat won't do.

The NIH is trying to resolve concerns raised by this change, that using lawyers for testing may render it more difficult to extrapolate test results to human beings.